Browsing through old diaries and old poems written over the years. I went back to another place and time. I saw who I was and got reminded who I am.
The walk down memory lane left me feeling nostalgic, amazed and blessed. Life is truly a wheel with many ups and downs.
Funny how strongly I felt the urge to re-write some of them but, of course, I can’t. Just wishfully thinking that I’ve done a number of things differently but my voice of reason is screaming, “You did just fine! You survived and thrived,Girl! Woohoo!!!”
Hmmm. I agree with the later. Not giving up had it’s perks and sweet frosting that wouldn’t have been there if I lived differently. The big “4” is coming. Wow! Truly never thought I had the courage to make it this long and even wanting to live past it. But right now, I do.
I am looking forward to see mini versions of my children. I want to know firsthand if grandparents do love their grandkids more. I want to count the laughlines and frownlines on face at 50. I want to see my babies successfully independent and know the pride parents feel when their beloved made it.
After all these, I can go, leaving behind this poem to remind them how precious they are.
"To Love You" - The Final Goodbye (MBT1999)
In my dying days, I will send you a hug and a kiss in the wind, each and everyday. May you feel the warmth of my embrace and the tenderness of my lips. In my death, I will be where you are and whisper words you need to hear. I will fill you with the love I lock deep within. I will let it flow to you as freely as the tears I cry, when I feel my heart shatter when thoughts of you ardently cross my mind. In life, it cannot be done. This earthly body traps me to be where I am. My mind holds firm to where fate has destined me to fare. My life is not mine anymore but know that though I distance myself, you are always in my heart. The love we share will never cease, it will never die. Love itself demands me to be strong so you can bloom like a flower, beautiful and strong. I shall be the wind that blows you to where you should be even if it means you'll be so far away from me. The rivers of tears I cried shall make the soil rich under your feet. My pain shall be your strength, my labor your tool, my sacrifice your success... ... and from afar I shall continue to love you exactly just like this.
This old poem, I wrote nearly two decades ago, on a moonlit night over a bottle of vodka, articulates the love and well wishes I have for my children when they’re all grown up. My catharsis for “separation anxiety”, reminding me that letting go is another way of loving.